My friend’s therapist told them there was a reason why they survived and their friend didn’t. That those of us who end up not dying by our hand are somehow different than those that do. That’s so fucked up and ableist.
Wanna know what makes me different from that girl that died? We all play silly games and set up silly rules, “if this happens I’m gonna kill myself.” She had hers: if the hospital kicked her out, she was gonna do it. I had mine: if the therapist didn’t accept me barging in and demanding to be seen immediately, I was gonna do it. She got kicked out. I got seen. Does that really make me stronger than her?
Sometimes these things are incredibly random. Sometimes they’re outside your control. It’s fucked up to suggest there’s something different about me that’s kept me here. The universe happened to respond to me. That’s not anything I’m proud of. It’s all happenstance, it’s all coincidence.
Yes, I continued fighting and I’ve come a long way. Yes, I’m proud of myself. But don’t say it’s because I’m better than people who didn’t have the universe there to help them. Don’t suggest there’s something different about me.
The truth is, I know very well, had that therapist’s office been full, had they told me “we’re very sorry but everyone’s with a patient at the moment, can you wait an hour?” I wouldn’t be here. That’s not anything to be proud of.