Hey! Thanks for reading, glad you like my blog :)
sorry it took me a little while to answer this, I answered it on my phone yesterday and it got lost in 4G, and I was too frustrated to re-write :P
(tw: talk of rape, abuse, and misogyny)
So let me give you a little back story first so you can understand how I came to identify as a misandrist. I dated a self-identified male feminist for five years. He “loved” that I was a feminist, it was one of his “favorite” things about me, and we would “bond” over feminism and social justice. He actually made me believe men could be feminists. He even liked how angry I was.
So a little over four years into our relationship, I lose my sex drive. He touches me and it makes me feel sick. I ask him to stop, and he argues with me, saying he should be able to touch his girlfriend because she’s his girlfriend (I identified as a cis woman at the time). Of course this is disgusting and not at all true. We got in a huge fight. He asked why I was getting so upset about it (because I can’t get upset about someone touching me without my consent?), and it brought me to think about a situation that had happened two years earlier between him and me that had made me uncomfortable for a long time. I knew it was some form of sexual assault, but I had not begun to call it rape yet. We were having sex, and it started hurting me, and I asked if we could stop, and he begged me to keep going, until I conceded.
Now that my consent was again being ignored, I could not stop thinking about that night. So as he’s yelling at me, “why can’t I touch your boob??” I calm him down and, all the while blaming myself (as one who is abused often does), tell him about that night, and how it’s created trauma in me that makes me sensitive to issues of consent.
He, of course, cried about it. Blamed me more, got mad at me for “bringing up a situation from the past that he can’t do anything about now.” I had to console him and tell him it was ok, and apologize.
We ended up breaking up a little less than a year after that. Not because of the rape, although I had begun to think of it as rape, but because he said I was boring, and he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting. I didn’t realize any of this until after I recovered from my mental illnesses.
After we broke up, we tried to stay friends. And then one day he’s complaining to me about tumblr, saying feminists ruined it, they’re so annoying, they whine too much. I lost it. How can someone who not only is not affected by our oppression, but contributes to it, be annoyed by our acknowledgment of our suffering? So I tested the waters - I didn’t get upset, I responded, “You think feminists are annoying? Have you seen fandom? Like god, get over it, you like your show, we know already!” Which, I think is valid ;) BUT HE LOST HIS SHIT hahahaha
so we got into a huge argument and I told him he was a rapist. more lightly than that. but of course he freaked out. got mad at me. told me it wasn’t his fault he did something bad when I didn’t tell him it was bad. apparently it was my job to make sure he didn’t abuse me.
and just like that he no longer identified as a feminist. for the seven years that I’d known him he’d identified as a feminist. but with the drop of a hat he was able to denounce feminism and its importance, deny his role as an abuser, and blame his victim for their abuse. I’m actually really thankful that this happened with the person I loved more than anything. With anyone else I’d chalk it up to them being a bad apple. But you gotta understand how much we loved each other. It showed me that no matter how much I am loved, no matter how much my struggle is understood, male privilege is quite the drug.
It was after this I started identifying as a misandrist. It helped me stop blaming individual men for their misogyny. It helped me realize there aren’t these neat little boxes men fit into of “misogynist” and “abuser” or “feminist” and “ally.” Men are men. Feminist men can be misogynists and abusers. Male privilege teaches men to be misogynists. It’s not a personality trait, it’s a learned response. It affects all men.
It was after I decided to identify as a misandrist that I forgave myself for my rape. I believed him for a little while there, you know? That it was my fault I didn’t let him know more that I didn’t want it. I told him I didn’t want it, but I didn’t fight him. I thought that was my fault. Male privilege had told him he deserved me, and if I was willing to do something I didn’t want to do, all the more privilege for him. I couldn’t understand how someone could love me and treat me like that. Until I realized, it’s the way he was conditioned. It’s how he’s learned to interact and have relationships with women. It wasn’t *him my ex-boyfriend*, it wasn’t that he didn’t love me, it wasn’t that he was a terrible person. It was that he had learned, as a male in a misogynistic culture, that he had certain privileges over women, and he exercised those privileges. Don’t we all exercise our privileges?
Hope that answered your question :)